27 July 2010


I’m a little embarrassed. All my self-loathing seemed to well up inside and threatened to spill out during my personal training session today. But I may have had an epiphany. I keep thinking, when will I learn to love this? When will I stop sabotaging myself and work for myself, not against myself?

Somehow my trainer and I began talking about labour and childbirth. Kamil (my trainer) said that he felt scared of the pain of childbirth and he doesn’t even ever have to do it. He also said something else. He said that I am strong. Some of you reading this may know that I kinda enjoyed giving birth, both times. I only had tiny moments of being scared of the pain, rather it felt powerful, useful and positive.

So... I thought about it, in my pain of deep lunges, surely I can apply that same thinking to exercise? I spent a lot of time and mental energy preparing myself for child birth. I worked on coping techniques and believed in the power of myself. Surely exercise is the same thing? Surely it is momentary pain for long term rewards? Yes! That is exactly what it is!

I was very close to tears a few times in my session and Kamil advised me to go in to the cardio room and just do it, do some intense intervals and move myself out of my head space, gather some clarity. So I did. I pumped my music and I did ten minutes of hard work. And I walked out feeling good, and proud of myself.

I have not sabotaged myself today. I have eaten healthily and luckily for me there is no junk food in the house. This is normal, but needed. If there is a box or packet of something sweet or savoury, I devour it. I don’t know when to stop. Instead I have snacked on seeds and nuts (pepita, sunflower and almonds), green tea and carrots.

I will not sabotage myself for the rest of this day. I will continue to think of this power I can harness. It’s essential. I cannot continue to loathe myself.

{image via here}


Wynona @ ivy designs said...

Hi! Loving your blog...I admire your willpower! Wish I could have more of that :)

Blythe said...

Wow, thanks Wynona. I too love your bog, and I admire your talents! My will power has been very down and up (rather than up and down) over this week though!