A couple of weeks ago, I was lucky enough to meet a precious 4 day old baby girl. A sweet girl with tufts of dark hair, who reminded me quite a bit of my own girl when she was born. I was surprised when a friend asked if I’d felt clucky when I visited this beautiful baby, surprised because it hadn’t occurred to me. I can honestly say I didn’t feel clucky. I felt so happy for my girlfriend, the baby was super sweet but no... my ovaries didn’t sigh.A few days later, I was searching for a particular photo and I came across a couple of videos of my boy. Oh baby boy. I cried tears of so many mixed emotions. I miss having a little baby. That video made me clucky!
Over the weekend, some friends announced their pregnancy. A wedding night baby. And oh, what a strange effect it had on me! Envy, at their newlywed, loved up bliss, their first pregnancy progressing, a healthy pregnancy. (I didn’t get that experience.) A new little baby.
Do you ever really know you’ve completed your family? Most days (and nights) I feel that I know I’m good with two kids. I have two hands, two kids, I feel that as the kids are getting older we’re beginning to get out, move around and their independence makes life just a little bit easier. Mentally, I feel exhausted by my two children. Challenged and over-challenged. Often, I have two or three voices talking to me at once, asking questions. My patience and energy are already stretched. My sanity is just hanging in there!
Now love... I know that can be expanded. It's something I wondered and worried about before O was born. Could I love him as much as I love my firstborn? The answer is well and truly, yes. Oh yes, I love my little guy. I know I could love another child just as much, just as intensely.
But it's not on the cards. It's not a likely possibility. And then. In another heartbeat, being tuned in to my body sometimes makes me sad. I'll always know when ovulation occurs. I love and miss breastfeeding. So round and round it goes, even though it's not really on my mind. The wondering is there, but not the intensity. I just wonder.
(I also feel blessed that I have been given the privilege to be a parent, and that I have the choice. I know dear, darling people who do not have this choice. )
M, a few days old.
O, one day old.