11 April 2012

Lost

Loss of self. Who am I, these days? I see and read so much about seeing the beauty in your day, in your life, about sucking the joy from each moment, about being positive and happy and just being in the moments with your kids. Instead, I seem to spend most of my days unhappy, thinking about the blah and the bad. I'm in a  limbo of sorts. I love my children, I love my husband. But I am not a good mother or a good wife right now. I'm not in the moments, I rarely feel joy. I don't ever feel sexy or beautiful or confident.

I’m spinning my wheels, going no where, feeling no better, feeling no more positive or hopeful or joyful. I dread going to sleep because I know I’ll wake up exhausted. I dread going to sleep because I know I have to wake up, never when my own body tells me to wake up. I dread the thought of having a shower or being without clothes, I feel so ashamed of my body.

I eat far too much, enough to make me sick. I have cut down on drinking but even the two I may have make me feel rougher in the mornings, if that is possible.

I feel that I always have so much creativity in my head but it just never, ever translates. Even these words don’t aptly describe how I feel.

When I do have opportunities I back away, I retreat, I ignore until the opportunity is tarnished or no longer achievable. I've lost my self.

2 comments:

Peta said...

Oh Blythe.
I am sorry to read that you are feeling like this at the moment. I definately go through periods of feeling like this too - especially when i am under the pump and feeling time-poor. i think for me it is easing as the kids get a little older, but I still feel like there is not much 'me' and a whole lot of 'them'. And I feel lost. And struggle to make conversation in public. Like my mind has gone to mush.
i sometimes just go through the motions too. plod along survivng each week. Is that just life sometimes?
Etching out just a little bit of time for myself seems to make me feel better. Mind you for me it usually involve spending money. On myself. Retail therapy. Materialistic? yes. Helpful for me? Yes. Having something new to wear, fresh painted toenails or no regrowth pumps me back up. For a little while at least. I'm a bit superficial like that.
I have just today bought some 'night' multivitamins. Like you I never wake feeling refreshed. I feel tired all the time yet I can't seem to sleep well, or get 'good' sleep. The multis 'claim' to help this. Figure its worth a shot. (cutting down the amount of sugar i consume would probably help too ...... meh)
As for feeling sexy? Umm, no. That left when Lilli arrived 8 and a bit years ago.

I really hope you start to feel a bit more like you soon. Or at least keep talking to someone about it so it doesn't consume you. Go gently on yourself, Blythe. You truly are doing an awesome job xxxx

Michelle said...

Sounds like your having a really tough time right now Blythe Im sorry to hear that. I guess the first step is recognising your unhappy and getting those thoughts out of your head and in writing which you've done - now just take it step by step to see what you can do for yourself to bring some happiness back to you. You know you do deserve to be happy. Really truly you deserve it x