Loss of self. Who am I, these days? I see and read so much about seeing the beauty in your day, in your life, about sucking the joy from each moment, about being positive and happy and just being in the moments with your kids. Instead, I seem to spend most of my days unhappy, thinking about the blah and the bad. I'm in a limbo of sorts. I love my children, I love my husband. But I am not a good mother or a good wife right now. I'm not in the moments, I rarely feel joy. I don't ever feel sexy or beautiful or confident.
I’m spinning my wheels, going no where, feeling no better, feeling no more positive or hopeful or joyful. I dread going to sleep because I know I’ll wake up exhausted. I dread going to sleep because I know I have to wake up, never when my own body tells me to wake up. I dread the thought of having a shower or being without clothes, I feel so ashamed of my body.
I eat far too much, enough to make me sick. I have cut down on drinking but even the two I may have make me feel rougher in the mornings, if that is possible.
I feel that I always have so much creativity in my head but it just never, ever translates. Even these words don’t aptly describe how I feel.
When I do have opportunities I back away, I retreat, I ignore until the opportunity is tarnished or no longer achievable. I've lost my self.