22 March 2013

Crazy hair girl

Last Friday was Crazy Hair Day, in support for the World's Greatest Shave, for the Leukaemia Foundation. It was also National Day of Action Against Bullying and Violence at school, so the kids dressed in orange and spoke about the issue of bullying. M wanted her hair to be blue and orange, so like a diligent mummy I bought the hairspray and set to work. Itay was very glad I wasn't leaving at 6.10am to travel up to Brisbane that day! (Although he is actually very good at doing M's hair, and I think his ponytails are better than mine.)
I plaited her hair with pipecleaners (or chenille stems if you prefer!) and twisted it is, pinned up a few pieces so she could see and then went to town with the coloured hair spray.
Serious face - but she loved it. I just wish I could have seen the other styles at school! Last year they were pretty crazy. Did your kids do the same?

21 March 2013

Sunny Saturday, finally!

Finally, finally - we just had a sunny weekend. And I know it's Thursday, but better to get it down than not. This blog is all about our life, so here we are again, a slice of sunny saturday for us.
Now instead of packing up and heading straight for the beach on this sunny Saturday morning, we actually headed in the other direction, up to Brisbane for the 4WD and camping show. It was hot, but we had fun - after O stpped crying and saying "I want to go home". This little boy is not one for crowds, loud noise or shows of any kind. We know him and so we know it is not worth spending money on kid shows for him. We've taken M to Disney on Ice, The Wiggles, Playschool, Dororthy the Dinosaur and the odd holiday/shopping centre shows and she's loved every one. O, not so much. He actually ran away crying from the first shopping centre show I took him to (The Wots Wots, from memory!) and has refused to go to Bob The Builder, Playschool... he just doesn't like them.

So I spent a lot of Saturday morning trying to soothe and calm him and finally, finally, when he met his hero Roothy he started to calm a little bit and he actually enjoyed himself a litle bit. O chooses to watch 4WD Action DVDs over any kid series, any time. Funny, right?

We trekked for what felt likes miles in the sun to find some inflatable aliens that M became obsessed about, we ate our packed lunch and Itay bought some recovery gear. Back in to the car. We were so glad we'd decided to bring the stroller along, we haven't used it in months, maybe even a year but it was so, so handy. We were all exhausted after this little adventure!

After we got home, I managed to sneak in a nap outside on our daggy old futon day bed. I so love afternoon naps. What a pity no one else in my little family appreciates them quite as much as I do! We had a delicious dinner of prawns, butter, chilli and garlic with salad and crunchy bread - a weekend favourite.

As a side note, driving through Brisbane was interesting. We took a little detour (read: we got a tiny but lost) and I loved looking at the old buildings, old pubs and neighbourhoods. We miss this feeling, the different little corners of cities.

20 March 2013

Makes my heart sing

So, I go from Angry Mummy, to moments that make my heart melt. I was brushing O's teeth last night and through his toothpaste he said "Mummy, can you sing Baby Love?" I've sung this to each of the kids when they were tiny and they both love it. It goes something like this...
Baby love, my baby love, oooh I love you baby love. You're the prettiest baby love I ever did see.
I sometimes insert boy or girl so it becomes "baby boy" or "baby girl". I'm also such a good singer, so that helps. Joking. Anyway, I tried Googling those lyrics, and I know I have them wrong so I can't quite figure out the original. But anyway, they love it and I love that he asks me to sing it and smiles so hard when I sing it.

Look at this kid. 6.45am and still so damn cute. He can't help it.

18 March 2013

Angry Mummy

Last Saturday, we misjudged the timing of our morning and we realised, once we'd finally managed to get everyone in the car, that we were late for one errand and way too early for the next one. Over an hour early. We were driving, trying to figure out what to do and the kids were peppering me with questions. Just me. Itay tries to deflect some of the questions but they just go on and on, never ending in their questions and demands. So we were stuck in the limbo of too early/too late, trapped in a car, raining, what to do... and when one more question came in from the back seat, I screamed. So loudly that I even scared Itay.

I sound like a very ungrateful mother and I'll tell you what, at the moment, and for the last little while, I've been an angry mummy. I've been feeling like I am enduring parenting. Life. Not enjoying, not savouring, not loving. I am just getting by.
But still, I cannot and I should not scream at my kids. I don't do it often, but when I do, it scares them. It teaches them that screaming when you're angry is OK. It tells them that asking questions can make people angry, and don't I want my kids to be inquisitive and eager to learn?
I have realised I have a very low threshold of patience when it comes to the incessant questioning that my kids direct at me. I don't cope well with them both talking to me at once, asking me to do several things at once, expecting me to be in two places at once. I get flustered and upset, I feel resentful.
I regret each and every time I scream at my kids.
Walk away. Take a breath. Ask for help.

15 March 2013

Limbo land, again

I find myself in limbo, yet again. It was about a year ago that the firm I was working for shut the doors... and I am still waiting to be paid. Now here I am again, just waiting for the day when I am told that my position is no longer required by the company I am now working for.
I'd be lying if I said this hasn't affected me, and deeply at that. I know it is not my fault that this is happening to me right now, but at the same time it is difficult to distance myself from the hurt that this situation puts me in. I'm in a personal dilemma. I am in a career that I am not passionate about, but feel I am too old to retrain. I enjoy study but I just do not follow through.

The story of my life. I just don't follow through. With anything much at all.

This situation makes me wonder what we can do, how we can move forward and what is next. Should we move to a bigger place, a city with more opportunity? If so, which city? Do we want to be back in a city? The beach is so important to us, and it is a huge factor in our lifestyle. Moving to the closest, most obvious city (Brisbane) makes the beach at least an hour drive. It takes us even further from my mum, who we don't see enough of as it is, already an hour and a half away. My dad is splitting his time between Thailand and his place south of us, close to a two hour drive away.

And what to do career wise? Upskill? I really don't know. I just want to work steadily in a job that I don't hate! The last six years, since I was pregnant with M, my resume is patchy at best. I'm feeling pretty lost and uncertain at the moment. Hate this feeling.

This me, almost eight years ago, Bali. Carefree!

11 March 2013

Self love

A couple of weeks ago, on a rainy Sunday night, I set my alarm for 5.05am and laid out my gear for the gym. I managed to get myself there and did my first class (first exercise!) since mid-December last year. Even back then it was very patchy. No consistency. I dragged myself back again on Tuesday morning. By Tuesday afternoon I was barely walking. I was haunched over, shuffling, walking sideways down the stairs at work and using both arms to hold the walls to get myself on to the toilet.
Pinned Image
I was able to move more freely by Friday, and on Saturday I went back to the gym and did another class. This week I have done four classes... and managed to get through my first spin class in about two years. And I did it without going grey or throwing up. But it hurt and it was really, really hard.
Pinned Image
I get up and bundle myself in to my stretchy clothes. This week, I did a Body Attack class, with an instructor I find very intense and not really one for giving the low options. It's a physically intense cardio class and I have to psych myself up for it. I happened to catch a glance of myself in the miror, side on, just as the class started. This resulted in me being very close to tears for most of the class. I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate what I have done to myself. I have been a member of the gym for about three years and I still look the same. NO. I look worse. I'm heavier. I'm flabbier, I have the beginning of bingo wings. I was down a size and now my stomach is bloated and I look pregnant. I've gone up two sizes, I cannot comfortably fit in to so many of my clothes. I look frumpier and I am slower with a few body parts that complain frequently (shoulder and hip). How could I have let myself become this?
I made it through the class but I was still in a revolting mood when I got home to my little family. They all felt the brunt of my anger, my self-hatred and it is not their fault.
Later in the day, I read this, over at bellamumma, form her The abc's of self love. (worth a read!)
Be who you are. Don't forget that your body is not YOU. You are not your body.
The essence of you comes from within -- from your mind, your personality, your heart.
I often find it hard to remember that I am not what I look like, but, when I do recall this,
I know that there is so much more to me than appearance.
And how this resonated with me. How dare I let my anger at myself affect my family? My kids don't care what I look like, I'm their mummy. I made a promise to  myself that I cannot allow that to happen again. And then, deeper than that, I am me. I need to be happy with me, not my just my body.
It's easier to wake up early and work out
 than it is to look in the mirror each day and not like what you see - Jayne Cox 

4 March 2013

Will it ever stop raining?

Yet another rainy, kind of boring weekend here in not-ever-sunny-these-days QLD.

My boy had a party to go to. It was pouring rain but the kids still danced and ate cake, my boy loved it. At home, Itay was baking chocolate cupcakes with M. Isn't that sweet?
We went to the massive hardware warehouse. You know the one. Bunnings. We didn't find what we were looking for, but bought other not-so-needed items. Bunnings is like Ikea and Spotlight that way. You always buy other stuff. We wandered, killed time and the kids had fun.
We tried out the outdoor furnture, inside.
We tried out the ride-on mowers.
O loved this rug, which made a few other shoppers giggle. The downer of this little visit was the raw sausage at the end. You just have to get a sausage sizzle after any Bunnings trip (or so our kids think) but this time the sausages were not cooked through and the kids were devastated.
I didn't get to attend the photography course I had booked in to on Sunday... because it was raining. We ate sushi. The kids watched far too much TV. Itay and I had afternoon naps, and wished the kids did too. I cleaned the bathrooms, Itay did most of the week's cooking. I decorated the house with wet washing and hoped it would dry.
Oh, to have a sunny weekend! Is it raining where you are? What did you get up to over the weekend?

1 March 2013

Tennis time - or not

Both Itay and I work full time. It's not ideal, but it is what it is. We live in an area where you just take what you can get and full time work for me is what I found. The guilt is huge (for me) and it makes it difficult to fit it all the stuff we would like to do. And that the kids would like to do.
M really wanted to do cricket, rugby or soccor after school. She also wants to learn the cello. We just couldn't work out the logistics of any of these activities. Then home came a note about tennis, before school. 7.30am start. Perfect - Itay can take her. She was thrilled. As you can see.

Except... the people running tennis are crap. They did not acknowledge the permission note we sent back and so she missed the first week. I sent a message. Itay called and left a message. He called again, the guy said he hadn't received any messages but apologised. She he looked forward to seeing us at CHSS on Wednesday... but we don't go to that school. Ah right, it's MCSS. OK, well we'll see you there.
The next week, he sent a text to me at 6.20am saying tennis was cancelled. Thanks for that, it's pouring down, we get that, but didn't you say you didn't receive any texts from me? So how did you get my number then?
The next Wednesday morning arrived and M was awake at about 5.30am, dressed and ready to go. The weather was dodgy, but as Mr Tennis Organiser had told us, we would get a text if tennis was cancelled. No text so off they went. 7.35am, Itay calls to say no one is there. Several messages,later, waiting and he is told that yes, tennis is cancelled. Everyone apologised profusely. We'll definitely call next week if it is cancelled. M is in tears, Itay has to drive her back home and he ends up very late for work.
This Wednesday, M gets up early again, she's so excited. We wait until 7am, no call. Itay calls anyway, as it's sprinkling rain. The vague answer of "it's up to you" if we go to tennis or not. Seriously? It goes on and on, back and forwards, and M is crying her eyes out. She understands the weather, she is upset because they didn't call and she has been left out again.
We are so cranky and for this complete lack of service, I really just want to pull her out. But this is the only activity we can find that works for us. So, so annoyed. What terrible service.